I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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