Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
