Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
