I wish my penis had an off switch
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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