my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
