Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think my vagina is haunted
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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