I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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