I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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