it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
