Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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