Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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