I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
