I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
