the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
