community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
