i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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