I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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