I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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