My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
