Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My bed smells like the plague
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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