if i can run in heels then i can drive
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
