i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
