I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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