i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
