I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
