she woke up with a sticky ear
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
this will be a night to untag.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
