I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
