my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
