I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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