Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it's like heaven, but drunker
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
