from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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