U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
