i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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