I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
barbara walters just said penis...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
