I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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