he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
