I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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