so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Randomize
