he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
