I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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