Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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