my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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