dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
