I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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