your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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