afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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