Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Someone came in the potted fern
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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