The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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