did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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