when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
