I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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