Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
