some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
