Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
