you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
They took my balls.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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