i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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