Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dicks are not precious.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
