you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
